Trump Vows To Build Border Wall Between Mexico And The U.S.

Justin Sullivan

Who knew it could be this simple?

There was a time early on in the 2016 presidential election when Trump’s obsession with his border wall was almost funny. Of course, it wasn’t actually funny that he was using the point to rile up his base and turn them against a perceived common enemy, in this case Mexican immigrants. But it was the kind of lunacy that lost him the popular vote.

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But now that Donald J. Trump is actually the president, it’s not funny anymore. Now the wall, which he absurdly claimed that Mexico would pay for, only to decide he’ll stick taxpayers with the check, all while championing a health-care program that will cause millions to lose coverage, seems to be turning into a reality. Congress has said they will make billions of dollars available to pay for the wall, and as such, the White House is getting ready to take bids on the project. Over the weekend, the Trump administration released their requirements for the project, which Fox News summed up in one slide that is almost beyond parody.

Really? Those are the requirements? A 30-foot wall? Seems impossible to get pas—

Oops. It has to be good-looking? Well, sure. If you’re going to waste taxpayer money on a racist boondoggle, it better be a stylish racist boondoggle. And of course, you don’t want people to be able to cut through it. You know, like a security wall. Here’s a few things I think Donnie sketched in his notes, but were cut by Shadow President Bannon:

1. The wall should be invincible against magic.
2. The wall should look shitty on the Mexican side, so they’ll get confused and think, “I don’t want to go there. Looks like a shitty place.”
3. People will want to go see the wall. Maybe we should have wall hotels?
4. Could a section of the wall be a duplicate of the LeBron James–produced NBC game show The Wall?
5. Gold is a nice color for walls.
6. Whatever you want, Steve.
7. Can I just go play golf?
8. Oh, that reminds me. Golf-course wall? Is that a thing?
9. Saying “build the wall” is fun. Can we build a wall in Syria?

These are the people standing between us and nuclear war.

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